Times They Are A-Changin'

My amazing husband of over 21 years went to be with his Savior April 17. He was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer and passed away due to complications from his surgery. To say things have changed would be a gross understatement. He was the love of my life, and I miss him every moment of every day. When he received his cancer diagnosis, he made me promise two things: Don't lose your faith and don't stop singing!

In July, I lost my job to a nationwide downsizing. Instead of freaking out, I had a peace that God was clearing a way for me to do what he has called me to do! ‎"I have set before you an open door" Revelation 3:8

So here I sit at the airport, 4 months later, heading to San Francisco. God is taking me out of my comfort zone for sure! I have an audition for The Voice tomorrow.  God has certainly started opening doors since Doug passed away, and I have to walk through them. Sometimes it takes everything I have to do so, but He can't guide me unless I let Him. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

When I get back, I will be creating letters of presentation to send out to churches and women's conferences, which has been my calling since 2004. Step back in time with me for just a moment ~~

I was at the Women of Faith Conference "Irrepressible Hope" and listened to Tammy Trent tell the story about losing the love of her life and how God got her through it all. I was touched by her story and the reaction of all of the women in the audience as she shared and sang. When I got home I cried for three days solid. My husband was perplexed. I had just come home from a wonderful women's conference! I was to be renewed and rejuvenated! When he asked me why I was crying, I told him that the women speaking and singing at the conference were doing what I should be doing! That is my calling! He smiled and said "It will happen when it is supposed to happen" :)

Back to 2011. We were at Barnes Hospital. The week of Doug's surgery I was reading a book called "The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules" by Carolyn Custus James. God was preparing me for what was to come.

At a christian songwriting conference a couple of months ago in Brentwood Tennessee, I spoke with some people to find out how to go about speaking at women's conferences. I was told to contact Vicky Beeching.  On the way home, I was thumbing through the magazine I was given at the conference, and opened to an article written by Vicky Beeching entitled "Ruth and Naomi". Wow. There He is again, letting me know my path is true!! When I get back from California I will be drafting a letter to Vicky, asking for guidance. What an amazing God we have to constantly provide for us, even through the most difficult times in our lives!

It Is Well

Music has always been an enormous part of my life. As a child I would play my parents albums over and over and over again and write down all the lyrics. My musical background is quite eclectic. I grew up listening to Sly and the Family Stone, The Animals, Neil Diamond, Carly Simon, James Taylor, The Doors, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Jesus Christ Superstar. A song can take me back to a time and place in my life - good or bad - and I feel propelled, like an invisible time machine. I can tell you exactly where I was in the adventure of life when I hear certain songs. I can feel summer in the middle of January when I hear anything by the Go-Go's, or despair and loneliness when I hear "Owner of a Lonely Heart" by YES.

I sang as a child, and as I grew, I knew it was something I was called to do. I have no vision of being a superstar. My dream is to travel and lead people in worship, like on the Women of Faith tour. The last time I came home from a Women of Faith event I cried for 3 days. My husband was baffled. The time with other women was supposed to refresh me, renew me. Not leave me in a puddle. He asked me why I was so upset. When I could finally speak, I said, "because those women are doing what I am supposed to be doing!" I long to sing "It is Well With My Soul" and help hundreds of women come to know Jesus.

I got a taste of leading worship a few years ago when I was interim worship leader at my church. For over 8 months I led my church family in worship. It was difficult, it was amazing, it was trying, it was awesome.

I still sing with a local band who sings secular music in local establishments. Our show is family friendly, with no swearing or bad lyrics. It is so much fun, but it is not what I was called to do. So why am I not doing what I am called to do?

I AM AFRAID.

Ok. That's it. Nuff said. I am a 46 year old grandmother who wants to sing for Jesus and I am scared to death to try it. It won't be easy. I have written a song or two, I have material to send out, but that haunting voice "you're not good enough" still stings my ears.

I know in my heart that God will decide, but Satan is sitting on my shoulder whispering and chiding. "You're not young enough - you're not pretty enough - you're not good enough"

So I sing. I listen to the music of the Lord that feeds my soul, and pray that I can gather the guts to actually try and do what I have been called to do.