Music has always been an enormous part of my life. As a child I would play my parents albums over and over and over again and write down all the lyrics. My musical background is quite eclectic. I grew up listening to Sly and the Family Stone, The Animals, Neil Diamond, Carly Simon, James Taylor, The Doors, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Jesus Christ Superstar. A song can take me back to a time and place in my life - good or bad - and I feel propelled, like an invisible time machine. I can tell you exactly where I was in the adventure of life when I hear certain songs. I can feel summer in the middle of January when I hear anything by the Go-Go's, or despair and loneliness when I hear "Owner of a Lonely Heart" by YES.
I sang as a child, and as I grew, I knew it was something I was called to do. I have no vision of being a superstar. My dream is to travel and lead people in worship, like on the Women of Faith tour. The last time I came home from a Women of Faith event I cried for 3 days. My husband was baffled. The time with other women was supposed to refresh me, renew me. Not leave me in a puddle. He asked me why I was so upset. When I could finally speak, I said, "because those women are doing what I am supposed to be doing!" I long to sing "It is Well With My Soul" and help hundreds of women come to know Jesus.
I got a taste of leading worship a few years ago when I was interim worship leader at my church. For over 8 months I led my church family in worship. It was difficult, it was amazing, it was trying, it was awesome.
I still sing with a local band who sings secular music in local establishments. Our show is family friendly, with no swearing or bad lyrics. It is so much fun, but it is not what I was called to do. So why am I not doing what I am called to do?
I AM AFRAID.
Ok. That's it. Nuff said. I am a 46 year old grandmother who wants to sing for Jesus and I am scared to death to try it. It won't be easy. I have written a song or two, I have material to send out, but that haunting voice "you're not good enough" still stings my ears.
I know in my heart that God will decide, but Satan is sitting on my shoulder whispering and chiding. "You're not young enough - you're not pretty enough - you're not good enough"
So I sing. I listen to the music of the Lord that feeds my soul, and pray that I can gather the guts to actually try and do what I have been called to do.